After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The uberlube is also flammable
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
