he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
