Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
