he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
