I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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