I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
