i think my tv is drunk
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
