i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
