her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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