Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
