Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
