Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
