Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
