I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
