She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize