He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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