you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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