THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize