I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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