I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
