They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
