after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
