my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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