Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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