Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
