I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Randomize
