I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
