Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We have started to decorate penises.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Enjoy the penises
Can't talk, ducks in the car
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize