o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Randomize
