My Higher Power is John Stamos
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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