I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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