Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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