note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
