My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
