matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
