Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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