Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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