You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
