I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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