I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
