im six kinds of drunk right now
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
