in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
