When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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