College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
