i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
