Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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