So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
