I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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