Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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