my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
