your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
