I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
