Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
