My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
