"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
