why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
